However, there is one story that I have been too scared to re-write.
This story is …. finding my missing younger birth sister who was not adopted with my older brother and I from South Korea. I think she was about two or three years old when she went missing, but I am not positive since I don’t have any physical memories of her.
When I met my birth family in my twenties, I asked about her. They didn’t know what happened to her. Since then, I have always been thinking about how I can find her.
I thought about posting her information on a variety of Facebook Adoptee Groups, go on Korean television, or take a “simple” DNA Test that I have had for over a year. But I simply didn’t do anything.
The interesting part is this “simple” DNA Test Kit has traveled with me to two different states and two different moves. Even writing this now brings me tears and I can feel my body tightening up and my heart beating fast. This “simple” DNA test makes me feel sadness, pain, and fear. The worst feeling for me is the unknown and being vulnerable. Then I am reminded of the definition of courage.
Do I really have courage?
Can I do this? Am I willing to rewrite the story of my birth sister and take COURAGE?
One step of taking COURAGE is taking this “simple” DNA test. But for me, doing this DNA test is not that simple. It’s more than spitting in the tube or swabbing my cheeks and mailing it. When thinking about wanting to look and find my missing birth sister it has been like a heavy backpack I have been carrying throughout my life.
Recently, I have been asking myself “what am I afraid of by taking this DNA test or searching online for my birth sister?”
What’s my resistance?
What I have learned by asking these questions has made me realize I want a certain outcome. I am afraid of what happens if it does not meet what I am hoping for. Such as: What happens if I do find my birth sister and she does not remember me? What will this relationship look like if we do meet?
My biggest fear is this: What if I don’t find my birth sister? So many “what if” questions come up.
Ultimately, I asked myself, what am I afraid of? Through journaling, mind-body-spiritual work, therapy, and coaching; I discovered I am afraid of rejection and abandonment.
Well, “WHAT IF” these do or don’t happen? Will my life end suddenly if I don’t find her? Not really. Things will be the same, but one big difference this time is that I know that I tried. If I find her, she may, or she may not be interested.
I need to stop starting at Letter Z and instead start at the beginning of the alphabet. Whatever the outcome is, I will be fine. If we meet, this will be another step and we can walk this journey together. What is the point of worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet?
The biggest question is this: If I don’t do nothing, what happens? Will I be content just wishing and waiting? Will my backpack be lighter, or will it continue to get heavier until I do something? I know ME, I won’t be content until I know the answer. So, while writing this, I know the answer. I need to look for her.
My next step is taking this DNA Test whatever the outcome may be. BE COURAGEOUS in whatever the results may be. I can and will re-write my story even if I don’t know the answer because I am writing it now.
I am curious how you are rewriting your story.
If not, what is holding you back so that you can re-write it? Is it getting heavy and if so, how long are you willing to carry the load for?
Would you regret doing nothing? If not, what is a step that you can do today, this week, month or even a year from now? This may be making an appointment with a therapist, coach, journaling, or doing some mind-body-spiritual work. I do all of these, but in addition to all of this, I am also going to take COURAGE to live in the present and continue writing my own story instead of allowing this DNA test to hold me back.
I am also going to remember what Mary Anne Radmacher states about courage. “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.”
Taking courage is also being kind to myself and doing it again tomorrow. (Side note: I have re-read and re-written this several times while looking at my DNA Test Kit, but then I am reminded what Mary Anne Radmacher also states about courage.)
Besides writing this and sharing this experience, my other first step for me is to open the DNA Test Kit, do the swab, and mail the Kit.
So here it goes….
Whatever the results may be, it doesn’t matter. I am going to live for today and take COURAGE so that I can tell my story and be me with my whole heart. I will become vulnerable but am making the choice to move forward despite danger, fear, pain or other challenges.
WHAT will your WORD be for 2020? How will it guide you? Share it with me.
Cheers to COURAGE and 2020!
Below is the first part of the story.
https://oneheartoneworld.net/taking-courage-in-2020-part-1/